the users are revolting again

A user has sent Dave a link to an article about the 'the deadly dangers of printers being in your proximity'.

Dave "Do you know what can be even more deadly? Me sticking a big spike in his eye."

I think staying up til 2am drinking Arak on a school night helps Dave to lose his normally benevolent nature.

that accountant again......

Our accountant came in to see us last Friday. After talking to a colleague for five minutes he turned to him and said "Who are you again?". The words of a total genius. Dave had something positive to say about the situation...

Dave:- "Well that's it then... We're all going to prison to be f**ked in the arse by Mr T. I don't mind giving but I'm certainly don't want to be receiving."

and then moments later...

"There is a solution to all this you know. We kill the accountant and burn his house down and then all our accounts will be destroyed."

always look on the bright side....

 Dave:- "I reckon our umbrella company will go bust at xmas and we won't get  paid and then we'll have to go and see the head of I.T and ram a cd into his Trachea."

Customer service training.....

The three worst words to say together in the English language. Alan and I had to endure three hours of this this morning. No joke I actually had to endure such insightful gems as "People are not numbers". I am still slightly alarmed that irate callers (Alan and I don't answer phones) are referred to as 'terrorists'. Seriously. I wish I was joking believe me. 

Euthenasia

Dave and I were discussing assisted suicide in Switzerland. Dave launches into a fictitious monolog between himself and an Assisted suicide center member of staff...

Staff - "Why is it that you want to end your life?

Dave - "Well I'm been working at this company for 8 years and I'm really bored. 

Staff - "Have you thought about getting another job?"

Dave - "Well I did ponder it for a second but I thought it might actually involve hard work."

kerry katona....

Just been debating this video in the office. We unanimously declare that Kerry has been up all night doing loads of coke and booze. I bet Philip Schofield is nearly falling off his chair from the fumes coming out of her mouth.

Dave's final comment on the matter - "I might start going to Iceland if it gets you that wrecked."

Bruce Parry....

Dave - "Who wants to go and live with the Kayapo Indians in Brazil? I fucking do. They're happy and there is no internet there.

Dave is back in the building....

Dave comes into the building after several errands at our other sites. He sits down to read the in-coming jobs...

"Printer is printing out squiggles and hearts.......Fuck off I don't give a shit!"

Brief pause...

"I might buy a double barreled shotgun and go round and shoot all the printers. Then when they complain that they are printing too slowly I can say "Not a problem anymore."

the sword has left the building .....

Alan took his sword home last night. I just informed Dave of this fact and he said ...

"yeah we'll probably see him all dressed in orange soon. Cutting off Ken Bigley's head"

72 virgins debate...

Dave and Alan were discussing a video they had watched about a female suicide bomber and how she had said that "Jews run away from stones and so she couldn't wait to see how they dealt with limbs." or something along those lines.........

Dave:- "The men get 72 virgins but what do the women get?"
Me:- "The men get innocent woman whereas the woman get a load of blokes you have to draw a diagram for."
Dave:- "I hope the women get 72 rapists."

Watch the video here

Ice cream eating ant-eater....

Me:- "Dave have you seen this youtube clip of a woman's ant-eater standing on his hind legs and eating ice cream out of a spoon?

Dave :- "No. At the end does he smear it round her minge?"

10am and already laughing.....

Most of us share the same accountant here. He isn't young and he isn't the most legitimate of fellows.
Dave has just been singing to the theme of Elton John's 'Are you ready for love'

"Are you ready... are you ready for prison... Yes I am."

I really should keep a closer eye on my accounts cause I'm pretty certain I'm not quite ready for prison.

sweary friday again

I have the worst man-flu in history and Dave has decided to 'help' me by repetitively playing possibly the most annoying song ever and laughing maniacally. Listen to it here

fire alarm......

When I get to work everyone is on the street. I notice a new mexican restaurant opening up nearby. After I finally track down Alan I tell him

"There's a good looking Mexican is it open yet?"

"Who do you think started the fire?"

We head to Starbucks so Alan can get a expresso. He also orders a small glass of water and starts swallowing antibiotics.

Me:- "What are those for?"

Alan:- "Trust me. You don't want to know."

presentations again zzzzzzz........

I had to go to a group presentation yesterday but Dave and Alan's were today. Dave just got back from his....

"When they said has anyone got anything to say I said yeah 'Alan thinks you're all c**ts'. 

When we have the brain storming follow up session can I borrow your sword Alan? I can go in with the sword and you can go with a rucksack. If I don't take their heads clean off then you can blow them up."

Alan:- "Man I'm swearing too much these days."

Dave:- "Swearing is good I think it makes me less aggressive."

A brief pause follows.......

Dave:- "Look at all these f**king jobs we have f**king got to do! Who do these c**ts think they are."

Congrats on doing a great job....

Oh I forgot to tell you. We have a very large server full of films and tv shows. Most of which aren't out in the UK yet. My colleague who 'administers' the server received an email from the head of I.T saying .... " I understand the new T.V episodes came from you. Thanks very much I didn't realize you ran such a service."

Wow...

the 50" Samsung T.V I jokingly asked facilities for has appeared in the corner of our office. He who dares Rodders ......:)

work experience...

I gave Alan the great news that a boy we said could work with us for a few days later told senior management "They don't do nuffin in there they just watch films all day innit."

Ungrateful shit. I would have loved a day watching films when I was on work experience. 

bacteria...

Following on from the health and safety visit I decided to wash my knife and fork collection. I'd forgotten all about it and it was alive under a pile of napkins

whoops ... a surprise visit by health and safety....

One of our 'moles' from facilities comes running in.

Mole: - "Guys guys. Minimize all those windows there's an audit heading your way. "

Us: - "Shit you're kidding. When?

Mole:- "about 30 seconds."

We realize resistance is futile.... We're done for.

Three stern individuals enter our office, two blokes and a Woman. Just hearing the name of one of them around the building strikes fear into the heart of the most hardened individuals. Things could have started better..

Woman :- "Do the cleaners never come in here? Is that why it looks like this?"

Alan, Dave and I all lock eyes as we realize super scary man is a foot away from the samurai sword. Luckily by some miracle he doesn't spot it. When the three of them have finished scribbling in their notebooks about what pond life we are they are on there way.

Me:- "Alan you twat they were right next to the sword."

Alan:- "I know. I know!"

Dave:- "You should have had it mounted in the window with a load of Arabic scripture above it. They would have loved that."

Alan:- "Yeah with a photo of two beheaded white boys."

Enter Spanish colleague from next door...

Colleague:- "Alan do you realise that they were inspecting my office before yours whilst you were banging on the wall and shouting "Oi fudgepacker."

quote of the day.....

Peter Griffin to his son Chris (speaking about the 1950's)

"Oh yeah Chris polio back then was like Aids today.... Except people who have polio get into heaven."

Starbucks...

A news item comes on the radio. It is reported that Starbucks are keeping a cold tap on constantly. Like all day. 

Dave:- "Great they probably have their tap on all day whilst looking at pictures of African children who have no water."

vegas baby vegas

A colleague has just returned from Las Vegas. Where you need I.D to buy a drink but not to fire a machine gun. What fun

stop press

Alan just came on Messenger and said he's having a great time. "non-stop sex, drugs and vodka." I think were his exact words. Alan likes the ladies. There seems to be a link between his liaisons with women and frequent visits to the willy doctor. I can't quite work out what it is yet though..... It is Friday afternoon after all 

How to deal with bullies the Dave way....

Dave has taught his two sons (aged 9 and 15) how to combat bullying...

"They know how to punch and kick and headbutt".

Dave heard of his 9 year old being bullied by a older, bigger 13 yr old. 

"My son was cycling through the town center when this kid, Zac his name is. Stopped my son, got him off his bike and said 'Let's play wrestling'. He then picked him up and did that kind of back-breaker maneuver they do and made my son cry. So I went round there straight from work on my (motor) bike and went round to his estate. When he answered the door I knew it was him so I growled "Are you Zac?" right in his face.

He shat himself and made a kind of high pitched shrieking noise and legged it so fast away from the door I heard him trip over his dog.

I think that Alan is back from Beirut on Monday so next week may be less Dave based but I can't promise anything. 

Friday thoughts....

By the way I forgot to tell you guys that we work in the I.T industry. I tell you now cause its relevant here....

Dave:- "I'm going to make a horror film."

Me:- "Really?"

Dave - "It's gonna be about an I.T person who gets really pissed off and starts murdering all the other members of the company and when they are dead he shoves a stick of computer memory up their arse."

I'm sure I have a cold on the way.....

Me:- Dave. You got any paracetomol?

Dave:- No.

Me:- Got any smack?

Dave:- No but there's some pritt-stick in my drawer

Our Umbrella company....

Has just laid off one of it's two employees. Poor Ann is out of a job.

Dave:- Ann's been made redundant

Me:- Jesus Christ. Poor Ann what is she going to do now?"

Dave :- She's going into porn.

choppers

We have a hell of a lot of army planes and helicopters flying by the office. We must be en route to a large base. Just a second ago I saw two of those big helicopters with the twin rotors...

Me: - "look at that its like bloody apocalypse now."

Dave: - "Yeah pay no attention they're just looking for somewhere to surf."

joke....

Dave - "What castle was destroyed in the 90's?"

Me - "Windsor?"

Dave - "Roy Castle."

another radio phone-in

There is a 84 year old woman on the radio. Talking about singing etc. As the presenter says goodbye to her Dave says "Time to go and get more abuse from your carers."

whilst on a call to a client....

I turn round and Dave has some Iberican sausage hanging out of his flies. Being such a professional I manage to maintain my composure. 

Dave's breakfast....

very nearly got interrupted by the fire alarm. He went berserk. Once he'd recovered he proudly showed me how he hides two rashers of bacon and some black pudding before he gets to the til. He proceeds with such vigor he breaks his wooden fork and has to finish the rest with his fingers. Instant karma perhaps. Literally 10 seconds later the burps start.

We have 2 Spaniards and a polish guy in the next office...

The walls are very thin and we can hear each other. 

Dave comes in and addresses one of the Spaniards lovingly as 'Senor C**tos'

training presentation...

We have so many of these its incredible. Plus its utter bullshit. We have just had an email telling us we have more of it even though we've all sat through it hundreds of times before. Needless to say Dave's language has turned rather colourful. I have declined the electronic invitation so lets see what happens next

bored meeting.....

I have to go into a meeting at 12:30pm that I really don't want to go to. Dave suggests taking the samurai sword with me. I'm in such a foul mood that I seriously contemplate it. 

Coca tea ....

Dave enters the office this morning grinning...

"I've got a great idea"

Me "what?"

Dave - We drink my remaining 77 cups of Coca tea and see what happens. Do you want a shortbread?"

Me - "Yes please."

2 mins later our South American cleaner enters the room. Dave doesn't see him and does a massive fart. When he realises he's in the office he starts grinning and offers me another shortbread.

Me - "No thanks not if it does that to you!"

it's the weekend!!!

Me:- "See you later Dave. Have a good weekend. See you Monday."

Dave - "yeah see you Monday... If I can be bothered to come back here."

David Blaine

Dave quote - "That bloody David Blaine. I tell you what I want to see him do next..... Hang from his neck for a f**king week."

The Queen....

Dave likes Radio Two. He plays it out loud a lot. There is a phone-in and somebody says "The queen looks after her money and shouldn't have to pay for her own repairs."

Dave - "Yes she should. C**ting bitch. She smells of piss and her mum is dead hahahaha"

free food

Today neighbouring restaurants have visited our office to promote themselves and offer free samples. Dave eats enough to kill several elephants. Then a colleague comes in and spots the sword. 

Colleague - "Wow I've got one of these!"

Dave:- "It's not an ornament... Careful its sharp"

Colleague - "Why is it sharp?"

Dave - "To kill people. Do you want some cake?"

Colleague - "You're going to make me fat then kill me and then eat me aren't you?"

Dave - "That food will never last til 2pm"

Colleague - "They will put more out"

Dave - "good I'll go back for more at half one."

i see the aforementioned security guard....

this morning upon entering the building. I bend over and give him a kind of generic martial art bow (because of yesterdays sword incident). I expect to get my extremely funny in-joke but instead he just looks even scarier than usual and gives me some kind of martial arts salute back which looks far more threatening. It involves a fist covered with the other hand in a kind of paper beats rock gesture. 

sweary friday

Dave has just entered the office shouting "f**king f**kers I've had a f**king nightmare this morning. F**king war protesters in parliament square." Then he leaves just as quickly with "I'm gonna sort out my f**king hair and get something to f**king eat".

EDIT :- Oh yeah I forgot to say Friday's are known as sweary friday as Alan is normally at college on Fridays. Unfortunately this time he's just gone on a weeks holiday so we have a whole week of sweary Friday. 

Sweary Friday - came into existence because Alan is out of the office most Fridays  thus leaving Dave to do the work by himself (Alan and Dave work as a team) and therefore there is even more swearing in the office than usual.

the sword.....

has arrived. It has the logo from heroes on the handle. I kid you not. The security guard wasn't happy about bringing it up to our floor. It even came in a box with a picture of the f**king sword on the side. I think Dave is jealous......

today.....

This morning I get in to find Dave editing an mp3 of the trumpton theme tune for a ring tone on his iphone so he can annoy people.

Alan is excited because one of the security guards has bought him in a samurai sword as (apparantly) he already has 5 and doesn't need them all.

Dave quote (regarding another colleague who has bought a porsche) - "You can change your car but you can't change your face."

Dave quote #2 - "Right I need to drink a can of cherry coke now so I can do lots of burps."

Dave is a Misanthrope .....

Misanthropy is a general dislike, distrust, or hatred of the human species or a disposition to dislike and/or distrust other people. The term is also applicable to those who self-exile themselves or become loners because of the aforementioned feelings. The word comes from the Greek words μίσος ("hatred") and άνθρωπος ("man, human being"). A misanthrope or misanthropist is a person who dislikes or distrusts humanity as a general rule.