training presentation...

We have so many of these its incredible. Plus its utter bullshit. We have just had an email telling us we have more of it even though we've all sat through it hundreds of times before. Needless to say Dave's language has turned rather colourful. I have declined the electronic invitation so lets see what happens next

bored meeting.....

I have to go into a meeting at 12:30pm that I really don't want to go to. Dave suggests taking the samurai sword with me. I'm in such a foul mood that I seriously contemplate it. 

Coca tea ....

Dave enters the office this morning grinning...

"I've got a great idea"

Me "what?"

Dave - We drink my remaining 77 cups of Coca tea and see what happens. Do you want a shortbread?"

Me - "Yes please."

2 mins later our South American cleaner enters the room. Dave doesn't see him and does a massive fart. When he realises he's in the office he starts grinning and offers me another shortbread.

Me - "No thanks not if it does that to you!"

it's the weekend!!!

Me:- "See you later Dave. Have a good weekend. See you Monday."

Dave - "yeah see you Monday... If I can be bothered to come back here."

David Blaine

Dave quote - "That bloody David Blaine. I tell you what I want to see him do next..... Hang from his neck for a f**king week."

The Queen....

Dave likes Radio Two. He plays it out loud a lot. There is a phone-in and somebody says "The queen looks after her money and shouldn't have to pay for her own repairs."

Dave - "Yes she should. C**ting bitch. She smells of piss and her mum is dead hahahaha"

free food

Today neighbouring restaurants have visited our office to promote themselves and offer free samples. Dave eats enough to kill several elephants. Then a colleague comes in and spots the sword. 

Colleague - "Wow I've got one of these!"

Dave:- "It's not an ornament... Careful its sharp"

Colleague - "Why is it sharp?"

Dave - "To kill people. Do you want some cake?"

Colleague - "You're going to make me fat then kill me and then eat me aren't you?"

Dave - "That food will never last til 2pm"

Colleague - "They will put more out"

Dave - "good I'll go back for more at half one."

i see the aforementioned security guard....

this morning upon entering the building. I bend over and give him a kind of generic martial art bow (because of yesterdays sword incident). I expect to get my extremely funny in-joke but instead he just looks even scarier than usual and gives me some kind of martial arts salute back which looks far more threatening. It involves a fist covered with the other hand in a kind of paper beats rock gesture. 

sweary friday

Dave has just entered the office shouting "f**king f**kers I've had a f**king nightmare this morning. F**king war protesters in parliament square." Then he leaves just as quickly with "I'm gonna sort out my f**king hair and get something to f**king eat".

EDIT :- Oh yeah I forgot to say Friday's are known as sweary friday as Alan is normally at college on Fridays. Unfortunately this time he's just gone on a weeks holiday so we have a whole week of sweary Friday. 

Sweary Friday - came into existence because Alan is out of the office most Fridays  thus leaving Dave to do the work by himself (Alan and Dave work as a team) and therefore there is even more swearing in the office than usual.

the sword.....

has arrived. It has the logo from heroes on the handle. I kid you not. The security guard wasn't happy about bringing it up to our floor. It even came in a box with a picture of the f**king sword on the side. I think Dave is jealous......

today.....

This morning I get in to find Dave editing an mp3 of the trumpton theme tune for a ring tone on his iphone so he can annoy people.

Alan is excited because one of the security guards has bought him in a samurai sword as (apparantly) he already has 5 and doesn't need them all.

Dave quote (regarding another colleague who has bought a porsche) - "You can change your car but you can't change your face."

Dave quote #2 - "Right I need to drink a can of cherry coke now so I can do lots of burps."

Dave is a Misanthrope .....

Misanthropy is a general dislike, distrust, or hatred of the human species or a disposition to dislike and/or distrust other people. The term is also applicable to those who self-exile themselves or become loners because of the aforementioned feelings. The word comes from the Greek words μίσος ("hatred") and άνθρωπος ("man, human being"). A misanthrope or misanthropist is a person who dislikes or distrusts humanity as a general rule.